Part 3 of 4
20 Teachings in High Control Religions and Cults That Can Groom People to Tolerate Narcissistic Abuse:
Continued…
11. “Your Body Isn’t Yours”
Most high control religions and cults have very stringent rules on what women can and cannot do with their own bodies. Narcissists also see women as objects to be possessed and owned. So, they often attempt to control their victims’ decisions when it comes to healthcare, sex, hygiene, or physical appearance. This feeds their never-ending desire to feel powerful. Narcissists and high control religions both value power extensively.
Women that have been raised to believe that their body is not theirs, might be more willing to allow a narcissist to control their body. This could even result in coercive rape. Coercive rape is when an individual is manipulated, pressured, psychologically intimidated, or threatened into sexual acts that they do not want to do.
Many high control religious groups even go so far as to use guilt and shaming language to control. An example of this is calling things “Clean or Unclean,” “Gross misconduct” or “Filthy.” This often makes women feel “dirty” or “unclean” if they do something outside of the rules of the group. This has psychologically detrimental effects on a person’s self-worth and self-esteem. It can make them feel like they have no value as a human anymore just because they did something against the strict doctrines of the high control group. It could be something as benign as being intimate with someone they loved. But because they were not married, now they suddenly they are filled with shame, feel dirty and worthless as a human being. This is dangerous territory for suicidality to creep in. (Call 988, 911 or go to the local hospital if your experiencing suicidal thoughts) What should have been a normal, healthy sexual experience has now been turned into a shame spiral of guilt and feelings of needing the cult to “cleanse” you and guide you back to salvation.
Cults and high control religions create the ticking time bombs of guilt to go off in individuals, then they act like the saviors when people explode with shame. From a healthy standpoint, someone is not the hero if they created the problem in the first place. Narcissists are infamous for creating a problem then trying to look like the hero by fixing it. They want dependence and gratitude that perpetuates loyalty, because this gives them power. Remember, it is all about power and ego for a narcissist. So, if someone is groomed into this pattern of believing that they cannot make their own decisions regarding their bodies, then it is more likely that a narcissist would be willing to step in and do it for them.
“The marriage due” is a term used to imply in high control religions that a wife is not allowed to withhold sex from her husband. Even if he is treating her poorly, she still is supposed to “pay him his due.” This might sound preposterous to most, however, in many high control religions it is indoctrinated into members. Also, there are rules that forbid masturbation, sterilization and birth control that can adversely affect someone’s ability to make decisions that are healthy for them. People should always have the right to choose what they want to do with their bodies regarding healthcare or pregnancy. Because they are the ones that must live with the consequences.
12. “Ignore Your Gut”
Many high control religions teach that if something in your gut is trying to tell you that something is “wrong” or “off” just pray more and double down on your beliefs. Exploring the doubts you feel is not encouraged in high control religions or by narcissists. They do not want their victims to trust themselves because then their gaslighting techniques are less effective. Victims are more easily manipulated if they do not trust their own emotions or experience. High control religions often groom people to use an unhealthy version of ‘thought stopping’ techniques to shut down new information that causes them to have doubts or question.
Thought-stopping techniques are healthy cognitive behavioral strategies used to interrupt and redirect unwanted or distressing thoughts, helping individuals regain control over their thinking patterns and reduce emotional distress. The goal is to break cycles of negative thinking by consciously stopping the flow of such thoughts and replacing them with more positive or neutral ones. But this normally healthy technique gets distorted by the high control group and is instead used to re indoctrinate individuals with unhealthy propaganda. Narcissistic abuse often employs this technique. They often persuade the victim to quickly say to themselves “It’s my fault” “I should not have made him angry” “I am stupid and incompetent” or “He knows what’s best for me.” This messaging is slowly programmed into the victim over a period of time. It is then activated anytime the victim has doubts, gets angry or questions the narcissist.
13. “Blind Loyalty”
“Blindly trust the leader, and if you do not, it is because your spirituality is weak.’ This is the statement, touted as truth in many cults and high control religions. We see it used to groom people to blindly trust whomever they chose as their leader. The shame tactic used to reinforce this is that the member is weak, incompetent, or possessed by evil if their loyalty ever falters. No one wants to be perceived in this way so members will usually fight hard to double down on their loyalty if questioning starts to come into their minds.
Narcissists often expect this from their relationships as well. If someone is in a narcissistic family dynamic, they well know how dangerous it can be to not stand by the family. Even if the family has done something horrific. Harsh consequences could ensue for anyone who becomes a “traitor.” Narcissistic leaders often want the most impotent of ‘yes men’ by their side because they do not perceive them as a threat to take over their position. They choose the most loyal not the most qualified. They want people to blindly follow any path they create for their victims. They also want rigidity in their loyalty, meaning no matter what happens the victim is supposed to support the narcissist. Even if it goes against their internal moral compass.
Sunk cost fallacy plays greatly into blind loyalty. It gets members to believe that they have already invested too much to turn back now. So, they again, just double down on their loyalty despite whatever doubts or abuse might arise.
14. “Be Selfless”
This can be a positive trait in human beings in the right situations. We often enjoy the company of selfless people and admire them. However, many cults and high control religions push the idea that ‘other people’s needs are always more important than yours. It is the extremism and motives that makes something unhealthy quite often. High control groups like to push a self-sacrificing attitude because they often want free labor and resources from members. This can include recruitment, building churches, donations, cleaning ect…
Narcissists also have a grandiose sense of entitlement and often expect others to sacrifice everything for them. The vulnerable narcissist described by Dr Ramani in her book “It’s Not You” is a type of narcissist that is usually very “needy” and “victimized.” They often refuse to help themselves (despite being able to) and rely solely on the kindness of others to get their needs met. They utilize guilt to persuade others to keep giving to them. Sometimes the guilt can be insurmountable for wanting to leave a vulnerable narcissist. Especially if you have come from a high control religious group. This is because high control religions often teach the doctrine “keep being kind to the down trodden,” implying to never give up on being kind to anyone. Again, this concept can be healthy at times unless you are dealing with a narcissist, or other personality disorders then it can often become devastating and harmful for the self-sacrificing individual.
A more balanced way to view being selfless, would be to first acknowledge your own boundaries and needs. If you do not know what those are, you need to do some self-reflection and figure it out. Then, give what you can, within reason to the other person while maintaining your boundaries. This creates a balanced way to give to others whilst also avoiding being exploited or the subconscious resentment that can follow ‘over giving.’
15. “Hierarchy Must Be In Place”
“The man is the head of the household” is a phrase that is often found in high control religions. Most high control religions believe a hierarchy system is absolutely necessary. This belief grooms’ people to be easily led by others. It can make them feel like they should always be following someone or something. This can set someone up for too easily following a narcissist. It can also cause them to shy away from opportunities to take the lead or advocate for themselves.
Narcissists often look for “follower” personalities who can praise them and keep their need for narcissistic supply satisfied. They thrive on holding power over others. Uneven power dynamics usually only serve those at the top. The rest are often abused, used, and discarded. We see this often with pyramid scams and unethical corporations. Narcissists love being at the top of a financially lucrative pyramid. High control religions also thrive financially with hierarchy systems. In comparison, healthy systems usually have an organized structure with different titles for individuals but try to promote a sense of collaboration and equality amongst individuals.