Part 2 of 4
20 Teachings in High Control Religions and Cults That Can Groom People to Tolerate Narcissistic Abuse:
Continued…..
We might not at first think that there is a connection between religion and Narcissism, after all, spirituality can sometimes be a beautiful and helpful thing. It can heal and help in miraculous ways. But we are NOT discussing healthy religious belief systems, were discussing cults and high control religions that distort and control others for selfish gain. Narcissistic abuse is likewise all about controlling others for selfish gain. The gains can be anything from financial, emotional, social, physical, or sexual. High control religious groups are similar. They are designed to exploit and control members in a variety of ways that serve the few holding power at the top of the organization.
This article discusses the similarities between high control religious groups and narcissistic abuse. It will highlight different ways that belief systems taught in high control religious groups can subconsciously groom an individual to tolerate or condone narcissistic abuse in current or future relationships.
6.“Divorce Is Wrong”
Many high control religions have taught that divorce is a shameful last resort that God disapproves of. When this belief is engrained in someone, they can be fearful of leaving a marriage even if it is abusive. In high control religions, fears of disappointing God or hell fire punishment can supersede an individual’s self-protection instincts. Survival instincts that tell us to get out of an abusive relationship can be hindered by fears of an eternal punishment or shame. Most people will go to extreme lengths to avoid feeling shame. Human beings are genetically wired to avoid it. So, belief systems that create more guilt and shame around divorce just helps abusers hold onto their victims much longer because the victims want to avoid shame.
Narcissists often abuse their partners in some way shape or form. Victims of abuse often already struggle to leave their relationships for a variety of reasons. Sometimes its financial, physical, or psychological. Spiritual belief systems can perpetuate this and have a big impact on people’s psychological reactions to leaving relationships. They can either help or hinder depending on the belief systems engrained in them.
Most people can agree that divorce is painful and difficult. It isn’t usually something people want to try to achieve. However, statistics in the mental health field have shown that divorce can be a healthy choice if two people become destructive to each other in a marriage. Statistics also show that children are better off in a separated family than in a home where there is constant fighting, abuse or violence.
7.“Always Forgive”
Many high control religious groups teach the concept of forgiveness and it can be very healthy in certain circumstances. Most human beings want to give and get forgiveness. However, the dark side of teaching “Keep forgiving your abuser and your love might win him over one day” is all too prominent in many cults and high control religions. This kind of messaging creates false hope that would just enable a narcissist to keep abusing someone. If a narcissist knows that you will keep forgiving them, they are unlikely to change their behavior. If we continue to allow someone to abuse or neglect us, then we are telling them by our actions that what they are doing is acceptable. Our reactions to events sends a message to others. One such message might be that “Because we are continuing to accept it, it must be acceptable.” This is dangerous if someone is in a narcissistic relationship because abuse or violence often escalates over time.
The brain retains information that keeps getting reinforced. This creates a sort of subconscious programming that guides our thoughts, behaviors, and emotions even years later. So, this message that “Everyone deserves forgiveness” and “Keep forgiving someone over and over again” can literally set someone up to tolerate narcissistic abuse in relationships. It is a programming that can make it very psychologically difficult to leave a narcissist.
There is much debate about what forgiveness means, and that is ok. Each of us does have the right to determine what forgiveness means to us. That is our free will. Forgiveness however, does not have to mean that we allow an abusive person to stay in our life. It also does not mean that we are not holding them accountable for the pain they have caused. We have a right to NOT forgive anyone we do not want to. Sometimes each of us needs something different to heal and move on. This is ok.
8.“Shunning Is Loving”
In case you are not familiar with the term, shunning is being forced to ignore someone completely and acting as if they are “Dead”. An individual loses all support from friends and family for years or permanently. Surprisingly, many high control religions across the US practice this technique. It emotionally abusive and can have devastating effects on the individual getting shunned. The technique is used to emotionally blackmail someone into submission or to come back to the religion. Narcissists often use a similar technique called “Stonewalling” where they ignore someone completely until that person gives them what they want. Dr Gottman discusses this harmful technique in several of his books about the 4 horsemen that destroy relationships. So when an individual is told repeatedly at a young age to believe that shunning is healthy and loving, they are apt to embrace it in relationships, even if it does not feel good.
Now, the difference between shunning and ‘Going no contact’, is that with shunning you, are ignoring someone because someone else has pressured you to do so. Whereas, going ‘no contact’ is when you remove someone from your life because they were damaging you in some way, ex; emotionally, mentally, or physically. It’s your decision and its what’s best for you. Shunning is often not what’s best for the family members, but what’s best for the organizations control scheme.
Conditional love is a concept that narcissists utilize well. They withhold love, affection or support from others that aren’t doing what they want them to do. It is a way to punish someone into submission. Most human beings crave love and need to feel loved. It’s a basic human need. So withholding that need can be very damaging. Now, everyone has the right to choose what they want to give to others. But a narcissist will choose to withhold love, not because their partner has hurt them, but to purposefully hurt their partner and control their partners behavior. This conditional love is a form of manipulation for selfish gain, not healthy self-protection, and boundaries.
9. “Others Know What’s Best For You”
The destructive belief that “Others are supposed to guide your reality because they know what’s best for you” is rampant in high control religions. It fills believers with insecurity. This belief can cause deep self-doubt struggles. It can cause high control religion members to believe that they shouldn’t step up and make their own decisions or guide their own life. They are groomed to believe that they are not competent to do so. Women have been groomed throughout history to believe that men should oversee their decisions. Surprisingly, In the US, it was not until the 1974 Equal Credit Opportunity Act that women were allowed to even open their own bank accounts or have credit it their names. How disempowering it must have been for millions of adult women to feel like they were not even allowed to control their own finances.
Narcissists value this quality in their victims because it makes gaslighting them ever so easy. If someone is used to doubting themselves already then, it’s exceptionally easy for a manipulator to reshape someone’s version of reality. Narcissists will always try to reshape other people’s version of reality to match what serves their narcissistic goals. A healthier thought process would be for an individual to learn to trust themselves and their own decisions, while asking for guidance when necessary.
10.“Don’t Question Authority”
You are not supposed to question your leaders or challenge them because God punishes ‘Rebels.’ This belief keeps people stuck in a “Blind Loyalty” mentality. It also keeps the narcissist empowered through fear. “Don’t protest or be rebellious” is a common theme in high control religion. They want very passive and docile members who will not cause them more work.
Being “Sheep Like” is a common theme we see promoted in religious groups as a highly sought after trait. Sheep are adorable, no doubt. However, again, this can groom people to just follow the leader and disregard red flags they might be noticing. Which in turn sets them up for blindly following Narcissists or other unhealthy individuals who may not have their best interests in mind. Narcissists hate being questioned because they often will not have an acceptable or honest answer. They feel threatened by anyone who questions them and will often use fear or punishment to squash whoever is challenging them. A healthy person does not mind being questioned and will not retaliate against those who challenge them.
What most people do not understand about Narcissistic Personality Disorder is that they often only change their abusive behavior if negative consequences take place. This means that they do not respond to emotional bids from others or attempts to pull out empathy from others. Most of the time, it has to “cost” them something personally for them to invoke change.