Part 4 of 4
20 Teachings in High Control Religions and Cults That Can Groom People to Tolerate Narcissistic Abuse:
Continued…
15.“Hierarchy Must Be In Place”
“The man is the head of the household” is a phrase that is often found in high control religions. Most high control religions believe a heigharchy system is absolutely necessary. This belief grooms’ people to be easily led by others. It can make them feel like they should always be following someone or something. This can set someone up for too easily following a narcissist. It can also cause them to shy away from opportunities to take the lead or advocate for themselves.
Narcissists often look for “follower” personalities who can praise them and keep their need for narcissistic supply satisfied. They thrive on holding power over others. Uneven power dynamics usually only serve those at the top. The rest are often abused, used, and discarded. We see this often with pyramid scams and unethical corporations. Narcissists love being at the top of a financially lucrative pyramid. High control religions also thrive financially with heigharchy systems. In comparison, healthy systems usually have an organized structure with different titles for individuals but try to promote a sense of collaboration and equality amongst individuals.
16. “Be Grateful”
Gratitude is a healthy and an essential trait in people most of the time. However, even something so beautiful can be twisted into an unhealthy control method by the wrong person or group. We can see examples of this in high control religions who consistently teach that wanting more is considered selfish and ungrateful. They want members to believe that you should just be grateful for the scraps given to you. The documentary “Escaping Polygamy” showed examples of this when paying members were forced to forage for food in garbage cans or be on food stamps because the organization failed to provide basic necessities for them. Members were not allowed to complain as complaining was considered an act of disloyalty and defiance. Leaders would often punish this harshly by withholding even more.
High control groups push this “Just be grateful” belief because it means that they do not have to give much of anything to members financially, physically, or emotionally. If members complain then they are perceived as selfish or not spiritual. This creates a victim blaming mentality that silences the suffering. When victims are silenced, the perpetrators grow more powerful and the abuses surmount.
Narcissists, likewise, also want their victims to never expect much from them. They are ‘takers’ not givers in the world. They usually expect unrealistic laborious service from others while providing no reciprocation themselves. So, having an individual believe that they are only entitled to what someone chooses to give them, is beneficial to their selfish narcissistic ways. If an individual is comfortable with such neglect from the narcissist, then they are more likely to stay in the unhealthy relationship.
17. “Suffering Is Good”
There is an unhealthy belief that “Suffering is good because righteous people suffer and you will be rewarded for it later.” This sets people up to become comfortable with suffering and inactive with trying to change their situation. It is true that on occasion, uncomfortable things can bring forth rewards. However, this is not always the case. Pain and suffering signals are the body and brains way of telling us that something needs to change, heal or get fixed. For example, if we touch a hot stove and feel pain, we would get a signal to remove our hand immediately to protect us from injury.
One high control group in Canada would say that members needed to have “Light sessions.” These sessions would include the member getting violently yelled at, ridiculed, accused, and berated for hours by other members. This was meant to break down an individual’s self-worth and reinforce the false belief that you must be suffering and persecuted to be holy or close to God.
Other high control religious groups and corporate retreats have utilized this harmful technique to keep members in a weakened state of mind so that they are more easily indoctrinated and controlled. When someone believes that they should be suffering, they will not push for better treatment or healthy conditions. This can groom someone to believe that its ok for a narcissist to be treating them poorly and making them suffer.
18. “Beatings Are Beneficial”
There are many cults and religious movements that perpetuate beliefs that physically beating children or adults for discipline is healthy. When, in fact, it is not psychologically healthy at all. These high control religions often use quotes from ancient books that state “Spare the rod, spoil the child.” This is interpreted to literally mean that an adult is justified in beating a child with a rod. This often grooms people to believe that if they make a mistake they deserve to be get physically assaulted. The brain tends to wire things together at a young age. So if a child wires together the belief that mistakes equal violence, they can be more likely to accept physical abuse in adult relationships.
Things that get wired together in childhood tend to grow larger as we age because the brain is always seeking a confirmation bias. Victims of domestic violence often report that they felt they deserved the abuse and many who tolerate DV often report having been beaten as a child. Narcissists would exploit this predisposition of someone who feels that they deserved physical abuse because they made a mistake. This is the pattern of narcissists. They exploit weaknesses in vulnerable populations to make themselves feel more powerful. They are cowards. So unfortunately, its rather easy to see how teachings that perpetuate violence towards children as punishment could groom an individual to accept violence from a narcissist’s later in life.
19. Black & White Thinking
This is often called dichotomous thinking in CBT. High control groups discourage grey area thought patterns because it allows for too much critical thinking. They want members to quickly decide whether something is good or bad, right or wrong, enemy or ally. This way it is easier to keep everyone on the same page of thought control.
Narcissists and other personality disorders often have black and white thinking patterns. They often cannot tolerate when others do not agree with their rigid and extreme views. They struggle to see grey areas or flexible belief systems. They often want those around them to have this type of thinking as well. Someone who grew up in a belief system where black and white thinking is considered normal, would not notice the red flags of a narcissist who is doing it. They might not only tolerate it, they might join in on it. It will often be directed at them in an unhealthy way when the narcissist decides to regularly shift between idealizing them then demonizing them. This is another way abusers disempower their victims and keep them feeling unsafe in the relationship.
20. “Someone Is Coming To Save You”
This belief can create a sort of learned helplessness whereby an individual might not make attempts to leave an abusive situation. Many high control groups teach that if your just patient and obedient enough, then a savior will arise and fix all of your problems. This hopeful feeling can be very enticing, after all who does not want to just sit back and wait for someone else to solve our problems for us? It sounds appealing but it is just not realistic.
This could potentially create an opportunity for narcissistic abuse by psychologically conditioning people to believe that they are helpless and not capable to take actions to better their own situation or the world. They relinquish any power they have creating a helpless but hopeful state. The narcissist gains further control in the relationship because they have adequately isolated the individual as mentioned previously. So unfortunately, too often, no one is coming to save them unless they fight for themselves and make aggressive attempts to leave the abusive relationship.
**The purpose of this article is to help individuals who might be deconstructing their belief systems and creating new spiritual belief systems. It is also to help anyone trying to understand how certain beliefs might have set them up to choose unhealthy relationships or patterns in their lives. This insight will hopefully create healing, awareness, and new patterns of making healthy choices and decisions.