20 Teachings in High Control Religions and Cults That Can Groom People to Tolerate Narcissistic Abuse:
Part 1 of 4
Most of us have felt the uncomfortable feeling of being controlled at some point in our lives. Whether it was a controlling boss who wanted to micromanage our every move, or it may have been a parent in our childhood that felt they knew what was best for us. Either way, most people report that feeling ‘controlled’ has negative consequences on their mental health. Feelings of constant powerlessness can even lead to anxiety, depression, and suicidal ideation. Its human nature to desire freedom. This article sheds light on the insidious ways that cults and high control religions can set people up for the trap of narcissistic abuse.
So, let us begin!
1. “Women Are Inferior”
Covert messaging that a woman’s voice does not matter as much as a mans can be damaging. This can sink deeply into a woman’s subconscious and groom her to feel that she should not speak up or voice her opinion if a man is present. Some high control religions do not even allow a woman to lead prayer in a group if a man is present. Some also forbid women to give sermons to a group. This message of inequality can cause an individual to become comfortable and tolerant with being treated as subservient in relationships.
Women can even be discouraged or forbidden to take leadership roles in high control religious groups. They are often taught that they should be happy with this “arrangement” and that it is for their own good. They often sell it as a “protection” for women to be under the thumb of men and the organization. Because most members of a high control group want to believe that their group is perfect, and only has their best interest in mind, they embrace these beliefs. They often fight for their own suppression to stay in place. Some women might even suppress the voice of other women, who try to speak up against these beliefs, thus unknowingly suppressing their own gender in the name of the group.
In like, Narcissists often silence their partners and treat them as ‘less than’ or subservient. This empowers the narcissist to get away with more emotional abuse. If someone already believes that they are inferior and emotional abuse is normal, the abuser is likely to push the boundaries of it. They look for partners who are willing to feed their ego whilst taking a more subjugated role in the relationship dynamic. Equality is not a value narcissists seek in any relationship. Equality is a threat to their need for superiority. That’s the red flag. Acknowledging that people are different, but still of equal value would be the healthy non narcissistic pattern.
2. “Let Others Control Your Clothing & Appearance”
In most high control religions, leaders are allowed to tell you what to wear and how you should look. They value conformity. It is just standard procedure for most controlling groups to either blatantly issue rules about wardrobe or covertly push guidelines on how members should look. They have an image that needs persistently upheld. After all, image affects recruitment and recruitment affects donations. The priority is usually all about money and control for cults and also for narcissists.
Narcissists, cults and high control groups often use clothing to shame, guilt or minimize individuals. By taking away someone’s choice to express themselves externally with clothing and grooming, it hinders their sense of authenticity. When someone does not feel authentic, they usually do not feel powerful. Hindering a person’s ability to express in any way, makes a narcissist feel more powerful and the other person feels less powerful. If a narcissist can make you question the smallest decisions such as clothing, then later they can groom you to question larger decisions too. This eventually gives them even more power.
Members of high control groups can even be encouraged to tattle tell on each other for breaking the dress & grooming guidelines. This perpetuates adherence to the rules through fear and feeling like someone is always watching you. Sometimes religious groups will use guilt statements like “You don’t want to stumble anyone else with your appearance, do you?” This makes members feel like their appearance can directly impact the wellbeing of others so they had better not break the rules. How unrealistic and manipulative to use such guilt inducing tactics. A healthy mindset might be to wear what makes you feel comfortable and confident. Choosing for yourself what you want and need, not what you think the group wants from you, would be a healthy first step.
3. “Pride Is Wrong”
A common indoctrination in cults is that having pride in yourself or your accomplishments is a sin and its better if you give the praise to someone else. This kind of belief system would definitely suit a narcissist because they need incessant one-sided adoration and praise in relationships. A healthy individual might notice that something isn’t balanced in the relationship and leave. But someone who has had thousands of hours of indoctrination telling them to give all the praise to someone else might not be uncomfortable with this unhealthy pattern.
Pushing beliefs that all pride is sinful or “Pride before the fall” can groom people to avoid self-esteem and embrace insecurity. Women are especially targeted in high control religions to be humble and not trust their emotions with teachings like “The heart is treacherous.” When pride is considered sinful, high self-esteem is not encouraged.
Narcissists often prey upon people with low self-esteem because they are more easily controlled. If someone believes that they are not valuable then they are more likely to tolerate abuse and neglect. Narcissists will not usually encourage their partners to have high self esteem or healthy pride. They often do the opposite and try to break others down.
4.“Be Submissive”
Submissiveness is taught as something God wants in women. In most high control religions and cults, members are often groomed to embrace submission. Even to the extent that if they see something unjust or unloving is taking place within the organization, they are still supposed to remain silent and submit to the leaders. Submission means that you do not challenge anything you see or hear. It is also taught that you are supposed to submit to whomever they say is in charge of you. For example, in many religions there is something called the “Headship arrangement” in which there’s a chain of command that must be followed. If someone is not submissive to their “Head” then they are punished. It is a mini control scheme inside of a bigger control scheme. Narcissists love this concept because they want to feel like they are at the top of the food chain and powerfully in charge of whomever they are in relationship with. Narcissists have a dictator type of management style. Meaning, either you submit or you get punished.
It can be confusing for individuals coming out of a high control group to understand the concept that just being respectful is different than submission. Their brains have been wired to believe those things are identical. So, they perceive unhealthy submission as just healthy respect. They often can’t understand why their extreme submissive tendencies can be damaging to themselves or others. This is often why we would see a parent not stand up to their partner who is abusing the children or a woman who desperately wants an education will not go get it because her husband said she is not allowed to. In each instance they believe that staying submissive is the right thing to do. Fear and grooming keep them in unhealthy states of submissiveness.
Humans are meant to have free will to make decisions that best suit their individual needs. They should be allowed to rebel against or question anything that feels offensive, unjust, or unloving to themselves or others. This is how a healthy society grows in the right direction of unity, equality, and compassion. If everyone stayed submissive, we would be living in a predominantly Nazi Germany fascist world run solely by narcissists.
5. “Avoid Any critics”
Staying away from anyone who speaks poorly of the leader or anyone who questions the leader is common guidance in most high control religions. Most high control religions forbid members from speaking to ‘Apostates.’ Narcissists also, try to isolate their victims from criticizing friends or family. This is because they do not want negative opinions or thoughts about them to seep into their victim’s mind. Narcissists also do not want their victims to get validation from others that they might actually be getting abused.
Isolation is a common technique used in Cults and high control groups. We saw it in these infamous cults: Waco, Heaven’s Gate, Manson, NXYM. All of them wanted to get members cut off from the outside world. They often created compounds for members to live on. These compounds were usually very isolated and away from civilization. We see many high control religions that have members living in isolated and rural communities. And if they cannot physically isolate them, they use tactics to mentally isolate members. For example, telling them that everyone else who is not in the group is “worldly and bad association.” They often preach this weekly in sermons and if someone is hearing it 5 hours a week, 52 weeks a year for years and years, it will impact their subconscious. They start to isolate themselves from anyone who is not in their high control group. This is called ‘self-policing.’ When members keep themselves in check.
Isolation weakens people’s ability for support and destroys people’s ability to hear alternative perspectives on matters. Isolation makes it much easier for brainwashing to occur and maintain. Narcissists often try to isolate their victims for the same reasons. They want to control the narrative that their victim believes and minimize their victim’s ability to get help. Isolation usually happens slowly over time in intimate relationships. The narcissist might have tons of acquaintances and a seemingly thriving social life. But upon further examination you can see the shallowness and lack of emotional intimacy of the relationships. You can also see that most of the relationships are there to serve a purpose for the narcissist. The narcissists partner will often be cut off or guarded from the social group. This is to isolate them from any critics, unless their presence is needed to substantiate the narcissist in some way.
To be continued….